The Thunder Burger

Here's a recipe for a big ol' burger that I used to make from time to time back in Kyoto.  When I open my bar there in the next couple of years, this will certainly be on the menu.  -Mustafa

1/3 lb. low fat ground beef
1 baguette
1 package cheddar cheese
4 slices Black Forest Ham
lettuce
cabbage
onion
red onion
bell pepper
Sriracha sauce
sea salt
peppercorns
butter

Shape the beef into an elongated patty and fry over medium heat, turning and dusting with salt and pepper every so often. Slice the baguette in half and coat with butter. On the top half of the baguette, place slices of cheese; cover the bottom half with ham. Put the baguette in the toaster oven for five minutes.

The vegetables listed above can be purchased as part of a prepack salad. Open the salad pack and mix the vegetables thoroughly. If you want to be posh, put some Parmesan cheese and black pepper in there too.

The burger and the baguette should be about ready to go at the same time. Take the baguette out of the toaster oven. Swear rich oaths loudly and at length for several minutes as you drip a mixture of melted cheese and hot butter all over your hand. Place the baguette on a plate and transfer the beef patty to it. Squeeze a generous helping of Sriracha sauce all over the hamburger. No, more than that. More. More. A bit more. What are you anyway, some kind of pansy? Give me that sauce bottle. There.

Grab two big handsful of salad mix and slam them onto the sandwich. Then, carefully and quickly pick up the top part of the baguette and get that on there before the whole thing falls apart. You probably should cut the burger in half at this point, unless you have a couple of five-inch C-clamps handy to hold everything together.

Serve with a bag of potato chips and a couple cans of Asahi Super Dry while watching episodes ofArrested Development on the computer. Wonder aloud why you can't find a hamburger this good in Japan, even though you just bought all the ingredients at your local grocery store.

Serves one. No, really. This one is mine. Go make your own.

I should have taken photos.